The horror that is rain

I have a strong dislike to rain. Really anything that makes the grass wet. It's completely inconvenient.

My companions realize I hate the rain and laugh as I scamper as delicately as I can on the wet surface. It's bad enough I am forced to relieve myself outside but to do so when I'm standing in a few feet of mud and getting pelted by rain is just humiliating. I am quite certain Kate Middleton is not made to suffer such humiliation. I bet they don't even let her feet get wet.

It has rained here for the last few days. And by rain, I mean the sky is falling kind of rain. Exceptions to the no peeing inside rule should have been made. I tried to protest this cruelty by hiding at the mere mention of "outside" but Mommy usually found me and dragged me out. I stood underneath the patio table shivering hoping they'd get the hint and I even went on strike and refused to relieve myself last night. Still the rain did not stop and the inhumane rule was not lifted. By this morning, I simply could not hold it any longer (a girl has her limits).

I have decided to craft a list of demands to make future trips outside more bearable.

1. Rain, snow, garden hoses, anything water related should not be allowed. Since I do like running in grass and my understanding is that grass needs water I'm willing to compromise a bit. It may rain between the hours of 12 am and 3 am every day but the sun must dry all rain before my delicate paws touch grass at 6 am. If the grass is the least bit wet, I will revert back to my earlier demand of no water at all outside, ever. It's your move Mother Nature - choose wisely.

2. As I'm not sure how reasonable this rain demand is... Mother Nature seems like a moody bitch. I need these supplies pronto:

• A poncho - preferable in something that doesn't clash with my beautiful red hair - I'm thinking green or a nice black. Or maybe navy blue. I'm open to suggestions.
• A boots - I saw a nice pair of rain boots in the paper once. Wellies would be nice as an off brand may leak.
• A personal assistant - no laughing please. I heard on the news that P. Diddy has an assistant to carry an umbrella over his head. I want that. Said assistant will immediately be terminated if a drop of rain touches me. I also demand that the assistant carry me outside and place me under a shelter with dry ground (see next demand).
• A shelter (aka bathroom) must be immediately built outside. I prefer walls so the neighbors stop looking at me as I go to the bathroom. I'm convinced they are snickering at my antics. I also want the floor to be dry at all times. A grass floor would be nice but the grass must be no longer than an inch and a half high. The shelter must be climate controlled, no wind, and a balmy 55 to 60 degrees year-round.  Don't worry, I won't go crazy like those celebs and demand that it be stocked with only one color treat and bottled water shipped from France. 

This list is obviously just the start and may be revised and edited at the sole discretion of ... well me. Option 2 is not negotiable as I'm sure my parents can make all those demands happen in about a week.